I Grieve
by Alexia Lupin
Summary: Part 1 of the I Grieve Quadruplet: A song fic told from Harry's PO reflecting on Sirius


**Author's note:** This is my first song fic as well as my second trip down Harry Potter lane. This is a one shot deal, so if it sucks tough crap lol. I put my heart into this and it was really written for me to get over my own grief...It took me a long time to write it down, I was never in the mood to cry again but the idea first came to me as I finished the book the second day it was released. This song fic is about Sirius using the song 'I Grieve' by Peter Gabriel which can be found on the soundtrack to City of Angels. Told from Harry's point of view. 

Enjoy and review.

**__**

**_Fic 1 of the I Grieve Quadruplet_**

**I Grieve******

Sept. 5, 2003****

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_It was only an hour ago_

_It was all so different then_

My horrid aunt and uncle, Dudley avoiding me, long boring hot summers, Hogwarts; my friends, my family, Cho Chang; the girl of my dreams. All mundane, they mean nothing to me now, I can never be who I was, I've changed, everything has changed.......

_Nothing yet has really sunk in_

_Looks like it always did, this flesh and bone_

Everyone continues on with their perfect little lives, they don't know nor care that Sirius Black is gone forever. How can there be people who still desire food and laugh?

_It's just the way that we are tied in_

_But there's no one home_

Sirius was so happy we were with him for Christmas, the last time I saw him.....My last chance to tell him to be careful, his warm one armed embrace.........

                  _"Look after yourself Harry."_

_~*~*~_

His face was bloodstained and gaunt, twisted in pain yet rigid with defiance....

"You'll have to kill me," whispered Sirius.

~*~*~

"Is that what you think this is? You reckon I want to act the hero again?...You don't get it!....Sirius is trapped--I've seen him--Voldemort's got him........"

"Harry I'm begging you please! Just check that Sirius isn't at home...."

~*~*~

I was so stupid........I fell into his trap perfectly........Hermione was right.........like always......__

_I grieve...................for you_

_You leave............me_

He was laughing at her before.....

The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. His laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock. His body curved in a graceful arc, sinking backward through the veil........The look of fear and surprise on his wasted, once-handsome face.....

"SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

_"_There's nothing you can do Harry.......nothing.......he's gone."

_So hard to move on_

_Still loving what's gone_

"HE--IS--NOT--DEAD!" 

Meaningless, all pointless.......Sirius would emerge, any moment, eager to reenter the battle--I yelled, my life depended on it, the only explanation was........he couldn't come back......he really was.....

_They say life carries on_

_Carries on and on.........and on_

It was my fault Sirius died; all my fault....if I--if I hadn't been so stupid.........To say it out loud would make it final, absolute, irretrievable.

_The news that truely shocks, is the empty, empty page_

_While the final rattle rocks, it's empty, empty cage_

"No, you don't understand what I'm feeling!"

I want to run, run and never look back....it's all so meaningless compared to the gaping chasm inside that's the loss of Sirius, nothing matters......

_And I can't handle this_

_I grieve.....................for you_

_You leave...............me_

"I--DON'T--WANT--TO--BE--HUMAN!......I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!........I tried to check he'd really taken Sirius, I spoke to Kreacher, he said Sirius wasn't there, he said he'd gone!"

"The person Sirius cared most about in the world was you, you were coming to regard Sirius as a mixture of father and brother." 

The cold and numbness inside......the lack of air in my lungs.....

"He was laughing?....Don't you blame--don't you--talk--about Sirius like--........DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!.......Snape goaded Sirius about staying in the house--he made out Sirius was a coward........But that's okay is it? Snape can hate my dad, but it's not okay for Sirius to hate Kreacher?.....SO SIRIUS DESERVED WHAT HE GOT, DID HE?"

_Let it out and move on_

_Missing what's gone_

The mirror.....

       _"Use it if you need me, all right? If you need to speak to me, just say my name."_

It didn't work......I tried, but he didn't have it with him....

"So he can come back, right?......You came back...Sirius won't care if it's unusual, he'll come back, I know he will!.....What do you mean gone on?"

"I chose to remain behind, because I was afraid of death."

I felt as if I had lost him all over again, my heart so set on being able to hear or see him again.... To touch him again, one last embrace.....I can feel the tears gathering at the corners of my eyes....not again, I don't wish to cry anymore....I'm all dried up.

_They say life carries on_

_They say life carries on and on and on_

Whatever Dumbledore says, I'll never forgive Snape.......I wish everyone would vanish, an invisible barrier seperates me from them now.....

The Quidditch field.....he came to watch me once.....I never asked him......and there, across the lake Sirius had collapsed, trying to fend off a hundred dementors....

_Life carries on in the people I meet_

_And everyone that's out on the street_

_In all the dogs and cats and the flies and rats, and the rod and the rust and the ashes and the dust_

It all seems so long ago, if only I could go back, I'd savor every moment with him, but then I'd prevent all this from happening as well...

My encounter with Luna made me feel not so alone, but how will I ever go back to the way I was? I feel I can't laugh, smile or enjoy things the way I used to.....it just doesn't seem right...I'd be betraying him....

_Life carries on and on and on and on_

_Life carries on and on and on and on_

The week that elapsed after my last moment with Sirius stretched two universes, one with Sirius the other without..........strangely Voldemort was not a concern in my mind. Summer was at hand and then a new school year.....my sixth one.....he won't be around to cheer me on or be proud of my accomplishments and celebrate with me.... No more Christmas at Sirius's......

_Just the car that we ride in, the home we reside in, _

_the face that we hide in, the way we are tied in_

_As life carries on and on and on and on_

_Life carries on and on and on_

.......the same old ride back on the Hogwarts Express but so very different, the pain in my chest, my D.A. friends...good old Lupin, Mad-Eye and Tonks; my last connection to Sirius, they will all be with me and I will be strong knowing I have their support and I'm going to protect them and they me, we will take on Voldemort when the time comes, and I will have my revenge for my parents, Sirius and everyone else who suffered at that monster's hands...... __

_Did I dream this belief?_

_Or did I belief this dream?_

_Now I will find relief_

_I grieve_

**A/N:** What did you think? I really, really want feedback, so you know what to do.


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